Last Lunch with Mom

On a snowy Sunday in the winter of 2008, I went on a lunch date with my Mom.  If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to go. 21 year old Lee was just starting to hang out with the cool kids in town and that was my priority.  It seemed to mean a lot to Mom so I put smoking weed and watching sports with my friends on hold for a moment.  Little did I know, this would be the last lunch I had with my Mother.

From the moment I got into the car, I wasn’t present.  My lack of self-esteem fueled my behavior and as I result I spent the entire time texting my friends.  We arrived in Princeton and walked around a bit before sitting down for lunch.  I vividly remember how happy my Mom was to be spending 1×1 time with me.  I was aware of this, and yet still selfishly rushed the time we had together.  My friends were hanging out watching football and I couldn’t wait to join.

We finished lunch and Mom asked if I wanted to get ice cream at the “Bent Spoon.” I want to take a brief moment to appreciate the brilliance of this name.  I’ve bent many spoons impatiently scooping frozen ice cream.  Anyway, I declined the ice cream! WTF? I never decline ice cream, but today I did.  I wanted to wrap up Mom-time as quickly as possible and hang out with my friends.  That’s exactly what I got.   A week later, my Mom broke the news to me that the cancer had spread through her body and she only had a few weeks to live.  She spent the rest of her life bed-ridden, calmly waiting to pass to the other side.  I never got to go on another day trip with my Mom.

Nikie Curac passed away on February 13, 2009.  Initially, I was fairly accepting of the situation.  My Mom held a positive attitude until her last breath.  Her courage and strength created a space for me to accept her death. However, for the next 5 years, I thought back on that lunch date in Princeton.

How could I have rushed that precious time with Mom?! I felt like a piece of shit.  I would give my right arm to have another lunch with Mom, but I can’t.  I had an opportunity to spend quality time with her and I completely took it for granted.  This filled me with immense regret.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but this regret was impeding my ability to properly grieve the loss of my Mom.

I continued to beat myself up about this regret until I had an epiphany during a mushroom trip in Austin, Texas years later.  Mushrooms create a space for me to quiet my ego and dive deeper within.  In this state of mind, I’m able to calmly revisit my darkest memories.  Mom time.

I took a stroll down memory lane to the infamous lunch date.  This time I wasn’t beating myself up, just observing without judgement.  I came to realize that hanging out with friends was the most important focus for 21 year old Lee. Sure, I wanted to go back in time and redo my lunch with Mom, but that is not possible.  I started to accept my actions and began to forgive myself for how I acted on that snowy day 5 years ago.  This acceptance allowed me to move forward, which allowed me to use the energy from my Mom’s death in a more positive way.  This regret was weighing me down and now I was free.

I learned many lessons from this story and wanted to highlight these topics.    

Regrets are a sign of growth

With my up to date perspective, I’m looking back on a memory with regret. I wish I could go back and do it differently.  Well, I can’t.  The fact that 26 year old Lee would’ve handled a situation differently than 21 year old Lee shows me a sign of growth.  And guess what, I probably wouldn’t have learned the lesson if I didn’t have the experience in the first place.  Many times, perspective comes at a cost.

My recent relationship/breakup is another example of this.  After we broke up, I thought about how I should’ve handled certain things differently.  The truth is, I wouldn’t have this new perspective without living through the experience and making these perceived “mistakes.”  These aren’t mistakes.  I trust that in the moment, I was doing the best I could with the information and knowledge I possessed from my life experiences.  Having gone through the relationship, I now realize that I would’ve handled things differently if I could go back.  This shows me that I’ve learned from the experience, and moving forward I will handle things differently.

If you hold on to a regret, it’s going to weigh you down.  I find that forgiving yourself opens a door to learn from the experience, update your thought processes and focus on behaving in an appropriate way moving forward.  Learn from your experiences, don’t let them bury you.

Say goodbye with love

Fortunately, I was able to share a beautiful goodbye moment with my Mom.  I feel incredibly grateful as this helped me accept the experience more smoothly.  In 2004, my Aunt suddenly passed away from a brain aneurysm.  The last time I saw her was at my house for a family dinner.  I was upstairs playing video games when Aunt Ursa was leaving to go home.  I was tempted to simply shout “see you later” down the stairs.  Instead, I paused my ever-so-important video game and walked downstairs to give her a proper goodbye hug.  That was the last time I saw Aunt Ursa.

I often think about the regret I would feel had I not gone downstairs to give her a hug.  I’m incredibly grateful that I did.  For this reason, whenever I say goodbye to family or friends, I focus on being present and full of love.  You never know when you or your loved ones are going to die.  Appreciate the time you have with them.  If you love them, hug them with that energy. I know many people who didn’t get to give their loved ones a proper goodbye.  Unfortunately, in some cases this has disrupted their ability to appropriately grieve and accept the loss.

I’m still processing and accepting the death of my Mother.  I’m beginning to believe that this will be a lifelong process.  If you are struggling with accepting the loss of a loved one, you are not alone.  There’s no easy path to acceptance and I’ve found that repressing the emotions only makes the situation worse.  If you ever want to talk about your situation, please contact me.  I would love to listen.